My Onion Horoscope

The Onion, profferer of all things witty, sarcastic, and hilarious, apparently has daily horoscopes on their website.

My horoscope for today:

Cancer
A financial windfall means that you're not only able to speak your mind to the world, but also able to hire "Macho Man" Randy Savage to do it for you.

Catlover's horoscope for today:

Scorpio
Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.


Uhh, I like mine better...sorry, B.